All behavior is communication. We know this, we hear it a LOT. Just knowing this important fact isn’t enough, though, and doesn’t magically give us a toolbox or a skill set to support students through tough moments. When we are faced with student defiance, it’s hard on us AND it’s hard on them. How do we handle student defiance? I’ve got nine tips for you that require some mindset shifting, but are tangible ways to help lessen the stress and stay focused on learning.
Student defiance is not easy!
Before we tackle the student piece, know that teacher regulation is ESSENTIAL. And I am very aware (from personal, lived experience!) that it is not always easy. I encourage you to read this thoughtful and very helpful guest blog post from Lindsey Titus. It is such a fresh take on teacher wellbeing and developing a healthy teacher mindset. I wholeheartedly believe that this is a great place to start when you’re digging into helping students displaying defiant behaviors.
Keep yourself as regulated as possible
When we as the adults aren’t regulated, there’s no way we can help regulate a classroom. Everyone relies on different coping skills, but take a drink of water, a deep breath, look at a cute picture of your dog on your phone as a palate cleanser – do what works for you!
“Almost everything will work again of you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” – Anne Lamott
Meet them with compassion
When students are showing some challenging behaviors, it doesn’t feel good for them, either. Student defiance behaviors are a signal that something is a little left of center. Take a moment to remember this and meet the child with compassion. Compassion can look like sharing affirmations, keeping your cool, talking about their strengths, and letting them know you’re on their side. Many times, students have had very negative and heartbreaking experiences with past teachers. Their trust may be hard to earn, and they may have built up a sturdy wall. When you meet a student with compassion in one of their hard moments, it can mean more for your relationship than you may realize or see. This simple act will help save your teacher/student relationship and prevent more of a struggle.
Co-regulate
Because you’re taking steps to stay as regulated as possible, you might be able to co-regulate with defiant students. This can look many different ways. I love using calm books or coloring to help share my calm with kiddos who need some extra support.
“When little people are overwhelmed with big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos.” – LR Knost
Avoid their triggers
Learn your kids. If they don’t like when an adult hovers, try a different method of proximity and support. If noises bother them during work time, try providing headphones. Consider what you already know about students and put in some proactive supports that will help lessen these possible triggers. Remember, when we see student defiance, it’s a communication of student needs.
Teach with their interests in mind
Adding in student interests can be SO simple and fun. Using favorite characters in math problems, using preferred topics for non-fiction texts, or making connections to relevant songs/movies/sports events can truly make or break the engagement of a student.
“The best classroom management tool is an engaging lesson.” – Sean Junkins
Be consistent
It’s probably a no brainer, but consistency is gold when managing student defiance. They need to know the expectations from day one, and unless there are some agreed upon changes, those expectations shouldn’t waiver. All students thrive and feel more grounded when expectations and schedules are predictable. Students that often display defiant behavior can benefit from having a visual schedule of some kind. This could be a written or picture schedule, depending on the age and ability of the child.
“Trust is built with consistency.” – Lincoln Chafee
Avoid power struggles
One of the biggest traps we as educators get into with defiant students are power struggles. Repeat after me: no one wins a power struggle. They are easy to find our way into, hard to get out of, and can really damage our relationships with students. Choice can be such a meaningful strategy to help avoid power struggles in the first place. Join our email list to access the Miss Behavior Free Resource Library, where there are several choice boards to help get you started!
Problem solve together
I love using think sheets to problem solve with students. If a child is showing defiance, completing one of these sheets together can take some of the pressure off and the guess work out of what is really going on and what questions you should ask. Coming to conclusions and next steps together gives a way stronger chance of student buy in! Remember that debriefing situations will only be effective if the student is back in a calm place. A chaotic, crisis filled brain will not have the ability to effectively problem solve.
Be willing to let some things go
Sometimes as teachers we can hold on really tight to some expectations and routines. Being flexible saves relationships. Patrick wants to stand instead of sit during math? Let it go. Johannah won’t take her hood off? Let it go. Eliah wants to color while you watch the science video? Let it go. There are some things we need to weigh as teachers, and though some of it miiiiight make our eye twitch a little at first, we might need to let some of those things go.
“Be clear about your goal, but be flexible about the process of achieving it.” – Brian Tracy
Please know that you’re not alone. It’s never too late to connect with, engage, and support a student that often displays defiance. It’s also not easy! Lean on the support of your colleagues. Connect with the school social worker, a teacher you admire, a special educator, or an instructional coach. It take a village at times, and it’s important that you find yours so your classroom can flourish.
Are you looking for a visual reminder of these 9 tips for student defiance for your office, paraprofessional binder, or website? Grab this infographic here!
