One of the unexpected twists I faced in my classroom regularly was childhood grief. Students in my Girls on the Run program, kids in my classroom, peers who volunteered with my students. It can be really overwhelming. I am so grateful to have the amazing Joyce Harduvel as a guest blogger to share with us some very tangible, actionable steps to help us when grief strikes in our schools.
Joyce is a licensed clinical social worker with Chicago Public Schools and the co-owner of Balanced Mind Therapy. She specializes in trauma-informed care and loves supporting teachers, parents, and children as they navigate life’s many challenges. You can find her talking equity, behavior, yoga, and more over on Instagram or check out her classroom resources on Teachers Pay Teachers.
Just a month into my graduate social work program, I began my internship with a school social worker in a Chicago middle school. I was terrified! With just a couple chapters of introductory social work texts under my belt, I was expected to hold sessions with real kids and address their real problems. (I think this model is unethical, for the record, but that is another conversation entirely.) The number one topic I feared having to address? Childhood grief.
This is an anxiety I hear echoed again and again by teachers. In fact, how to address grief is one of the top questions I get. As a society, we have trouble knowing what to do beyond dropping off a casserole and offering platitudes like “they are in a better place now” (pro tip: don’t say that!). Over time, I have walked with many students through grief and coached teachers in how to support grieving students. It doesn’t get any easier but after a few years I felt equipped to support students coping with one of life’s biggest challenges.
When we think about how grief might impact a student at school, we immediately picture a student who has had a family member or friend close to them die. The truth is, we have many students dealing with grief in all of its diverse forms. I have worked with students grieving community and racist violence or the sudden death of a young person they didn’t know but see themselves in. I have supported students who had a family member go missing, move away, be incarcerated, become disabled or be separated by the foster care system. I have students grieving other losses like a parent who is present but isn’t able to provide the type of relationship the student needs, a relationship they no longer have or a dream they cannot fulfill. All of us have experienced grief over the past two years as we navigated the loss of connection, routine, and more due to COVID-19.
As diverse as these experiences are, they all share a sense of loss that can leave us struggling to make sense of our world and cope. As a classroom teacher, there are a number of things you can do to create a classroom that supports grieving students.
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Normalize students’ feelings
If a child expresses to you that they are struggling with grief, let them know that they are not alone. Affirm that their feelings are valid and that loss (of all kinds) is difficult. Share with them that it is normal to experience good days and bad days. Tell them that everyone processes grief in their own way and that you are here to support them in whatever they need to do to take care of themselves. Sometimes, you know a child is grieving but you don’t have the relationship to have this type of conversation with them. You can support an adult that does (a family member or another staff member) by having this conversation with them instead. If you see that a student is really struggling, please refer them to a school-based mental health resource.
Create a supportive environment
Hopefully, you already have a classroom that provides the space for students to practice their coping skills. If not, it’s never too late to start! I recommend having a place in your room (mine is called the Peace Place) where students can go to regroup that is comfortable and provides tools that guide them through various coping strategies they can use. I also recommend having structures where students can hold space for grief and other challenges. I am a big fan of Conscious Discipline’s Wish Well. We spend a couple moments breathing deeply together and wishing well anyone who is absent and anyone whom a member of the class wants to honor before we start our day.
Sometimes, we experience a collective loss. Whether that is related to COVID-19, a student moving, current events like police violence, or a member of the school community passing away, take the time to gather as a community. That is a great time to provide that psychoeducation from #1 before allowing students to share anything on their minds. You also get the opportunity to model that grown ups struggle with grief just like kids do. Be sure that you are getting your own support outside of the classroom so that you can model successful coping rather than sharing moments where you are struggling to handle your own emotions with your students (that can be really scary for them!).
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Choose your words carefully
So many of the things we say to people who are grieving are well intentioned but ultimately harmful. Please do not push students to look at the bright side, dictate how long it is appropriate for them to grieve, tell them how to handle their loss, discourage them from feeling their emotions, or try to connect it to a loss you have experienced. Instead, the best thing you can do is offer your love and support. Listen to students if they choose to share with you and listen to what they need. Be patient and breathe! It is ok to say something like, “Wow, I don’t know what to say right now. This is really tough.”
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Honor who or what was lost
You will have to gauge whether you are the right person to do this depending on your relationship with the student or students who are grieving. If you have been a part of their journey through grief, you can offer them an opportunity to honor their loss in a way that feels helpful to them. This can be done in many forms and should be individual to the student and reflective of their culture. I have had students who wrote poetry, created art pieces, did random acts of kindness, released balloons, created an ofrenda, and more. If you are lucky enough to be a part of this process, it is truly a moving experience.
Grief is difficult and scary. It is something we often shy away from because we aren’t sure how to handle it. By leaning into childhood grief when it shows up in your classroom, you are giving your students such a gift. Grief is inevitable and by understanding it rather than fearing it, we can ensure that all students have the tools they need to successfully cope for the rest of their lives.
